My perfect day? Well, maybe two-thirds of it. The pie is tasty (don’t ask what is in it) and the pint is refreshing, but, after that it is time to look at the Trades Descriptions Act. The “entertainment” consists of a lady named Joyce Falconer flagrantly flaunting her Scottishness to a degree that might embarrass even Alex Salmond. She treats us to a few Scottish songs, accompanying herself on piano accordion, interminable extracts from Robert Burns and a version of her nation’s history that could have been written by Mel Gibson. It is utterly ghastly and it all leaves a Sassenach such as me praying even more that the Scots vote “Yes” on 18 September; sadly, the presence of possible voters in the audience could have lessened the chances of that happening. Next year, I will happily settle for a salad (hoping that Scotland will have finally discovered them by then) and a mineral water, if the organisers can put on a real play. In the meantime, it is half a star each for the pie and the pint, with a big fat zero for the rest.
Performance date: 11 August 2014